


Locked and Loaded

by Leeroid



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 11:17:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18603463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leeroid/pseuds/Leeroid
Summary: Soulmate AU no one asked for. (Original Prompt: You live in a world where your soulmate cannot hurt you. Intentionally or otherwise. You are in a fight, and their hit just glances off you.)Spiderman being your local Good Guy and Deadpool being your local Bad Guy make for one heck of a fight when neither can land a hit on each other. Spideypool shenanigans ensue.And of course both are too dumb to figure out whats going on.





	Locked and Loaded

Wade Winston Wilson was a very salacious man, indeed. Morally ambiguous, malicious, with a healthy dose of charm, Wade lived his life boldly and unapologetic. That is, until he met one Peter Benjamin Parker.

 

It was just another usual Tuesday night. Wade had a couple rough-em-ups to deal with. People got hurt. He got paid. The world kept turning.

He was whistling along to some ABBA hits as he prowled the alleyways of Manhattan. He had been following not-so-nice guy #3 since _last_ Tuesday and this one was the last of the set he had to collect before he could get paid.

Deadpool was halfway through Dancing Queen when he spotted Numero Tres. His golden ticket. The guy, named Keith, Wade half-assedly repressed a full body shudder. The name Keith just _did_ something to the mercenary. And not in a Good Way. Mock gagging for the dramatics of it all Wade slank up the opposing alleyway to get a drop on the not-so-good guy.

Keith was an addict. While that was common enough, Keith was an addict who pissed off someone higher up in the food chain (well, drug chain?) than him. Which, put Deadpool in business. Keith and some random dope dealer exchanged pleasantries. Neither heard or saw the infamous mercenary come up behind Keith--until a strong red leather clad arm was wrapped tightly around said addicts throat. With Keith in a chokehold and the dope dealer almost pissing his pants, Deadpool found it was a great time to introduce himself.

“Wade’s the name, unaliving is the game. Now what a two little boys like you doing out so late on a _school_ night?” Deadpool tsked, sugary sweet. Keith was still struggling, making gross choking noises. Dope Dealer was actually pissing his pants now. Gross.

“Whoa, whoa, for fucks sake man.”  Deadpool let Keith drop to the ground, to inhale greedy breaths that he had been denied for the last half a minute or so. “Dude seriously, what the fuck.” Deadpool motioned to Piss Pants and shook his head. “Hey man, I know I’m scary and all, but no need to piss yourself. Jesus.” The leather clad anti-hero sighed. The Dope Dealer looked like he was about to pass out.

Keith gained enough oxygen to his brain and he had the bright idea to try to slink away, while Deadpool was focused on the other guy. Not actually a bright idea.

“C’mon man, I’m not even here for you anyways, if anyone should be pissing their pants it should be this fucknut.” Wade motioned towards the dirty man trying to crawl away. Sighing again, Wade unsheathed a hidden dagger and expertly tossed it so it penetrated Keith’s hand. Keeping him stuck in place. Blood spurted, Dope Dealer paled, and screams filled the alley. Deadpool laughed.

“Ya know what, just get the fuck outta here before you do something stupid like puke.” Deadpool laughed even harder as good ol piss pants yanked up his sagging jeans and hauled ass outta there.

“Now for you” Wade dead panned, no longer in the laughing mood. His demeanor rapidly cooled, changing him for Merc with a Mouth, to Merc with a Mission.

Deadpool crouched, his large muscles flexing with the movement.

He scanned Keith with a calculating stare. He catalogued his dirty hair, and cheap sweater-ruined from whatever the fuck he was laying in (this was a New York alleyway afterall). Deadpool sneered as he saw tears form in the younger man’s eyes, his voice hoarse and hacking. He was dry-heaving from the pain. The blood from his hand had stopped spurting from at this point and was lazily spreading further from the wound. Cooling and colaguting in its own, serene way.

“You’re fucking pathetic.” Wade spit. He grabbed Keith roughly by his hood and dragged him into an upright sitting position against the alley wall.

Another bout of scream crying and blood spurting. The dagger had cut completely through his palm.

Deadpool pulled out a gun from his thigh holster. The screaming stopped.

Keith sniveld pathetically, finally decided to speak coherently for the first time that night.

“What do you want?” He pathetically asked, tears and snot streaming down his face.

That made Deadpool grin beneath the mask.

“I want a lot of fucking things kid,” He laughed darkly, “But right now what I want most is to get paid. And to get paid, I need to _hurt_ you.” Keith was a blubbering mess by the time Deadpool was finished speaking, he kept asking why and who over and over. Wade slipped the gun back into the holster, no need for it yet.

“You pissed off head honcho man Valencia and he’s paying me to hurt you and your two little buddies _real_ good. So whaddya say, lets get this little torture show on the road, eh?

 

About 20 minutes in and and whole lot of whining and bodily fluids later, Deadpool decided enough was enough and pulled out his phone. He snapped a couple photos, sent them to the boss man. He dropped his phone back into his super secret pouch (fanny pack) and decided to up the intimidation factor and pulled out the gun again.

 

Now, in Wade’s defense, he _really_ wasn’t going to shoot the guy.

 

But from an outsider’s perspective, it looked like he _really_ was.

 

Que Spiderman.

 

“Stop! Don’t shoot!” yelled the webhead, swinging in at almost the worst timing.

Wade turned to look at the other super, clearly unimpressed with his spiel. Wade held the gun loosely, still aimed at Keith’s bloody face.

 

“Bad timing, webs baby, Daddy is doing business with his very serious business partner.” Wade used his strict paternal voice on the spiderling. They had met a handful of times. While most exchanges were pleasant, this one wasn’t.

 

“I already called the police, Pool. They’re on their way,” Sidey held his ground. It was endearing as it was hot. Wade sighed for the third time that night, he really didn’t want to scare the little spider, but he had a job to finish.

 

Peter’s spider senses were going haywire the longer him and Deadpool stood across from each other. The mercenary was a wild card, and Peter knew he dropped in a bad time TM. But he wasn’t one to let Deadpool kill any civilians on his watch.

 

Peter knew he could dodge the bullets that would likely come if DP’s mood was any indication of how the night would continue.

 

“C’mon kid, get outta here. This isn’t your business.” Wade said sternly, torn between not wanting to hurt the spider, but also pissed that the other interrupted him. He was giving the kid an out, the nicest thing Wade could muster up to do.

 

Of fucking course Spiderman didn’t take it.

 

“You know I can’t, Wade.”

 

Peter heard Wade pull the trigger before he even registered that the gun was pointed at _him_ now.

 

Peter flinched, dodging to the side and sticking to the building. Only to realize that the bullet never even fired.

 

“What the fuck,” Deadpool grumbled, and took aim at the Spiderling again. Wade tried shooting the kid a few more times to no avail. The gun clicked but didn’t fire. “What in the actual frick frack is going on here,” Wade muttered, turning and pointing the gun at Keith's left foot. He pulled the trigger and this time the alleyway exploded into sound.

 

Both the supers ears were ringing as Keith’s screams filled the air.

 

It almost drowned out the sirens that were getting too close.

 

Wade was good at what he did and even better at cutting his losses. He turned to go, unsettled by what had just occurred. He started to run off in the direction that he came from yelling a sweet “See ya later, spider babe!” Into the night air behind him.

 

Peter was stuck frozen on the building which he was currently clinging to, his thoughts racing.

 

“This is the police, put your hands up!”

 

Spider-Man had absolutely zero time to deal with the cops. Especially when his senses were going haywire from all the commotion that the badges brought with. His brain decided to come back online when he registered a bullet coming his way. Deciding his best course of action (route of escape) the webslinger scurried up the wall in serpentine pattern, dodging all shots fired.

 

The worrying fact that Deadpool’s gun wouldn’t fire at him was lost amongst the chaos.

 

TBC

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Guys hope you enjoyed! Let me know what ya think or if you have any sticky situations these idiots can get into where they'd intentionally or accidentally hurt one another :)


End file.
